I've worked with clients with abuse issues for several years now and one thing I can say, is that not one of them came to me to work on sexual abuse! They came for a variety of reasons, from depression, to changing the way they thought of their husband, to shaking at unexpected moments, to wanting to change the way their life is running. It was only after one or two sessions, when we'd established really good rapport, and they'd begun to shift emotion around some of their issues, that they felt safe enough to mention it. Often, they sort of sneak it in, ‘‘by the way, I don't know if it's relevant, but when I was a child...’’
Rapport is the most important thing in any therapy session and anyone looking to work on sexual abuse, or indeed, any other issues, would be well advised to contact several therapists, so that they know they will be working with someone that they are comfortable with.
I get clients to brainstorm before they come to me about anything in the past present or future, that they are still unhappy about. It gives me a chance to do some detective work and spot patterns. It's still very likely that sexual abuse won't get mentioned and that isn't a problem, it will come up at the right time.
Clients have often tried to work on these issues on their own, but sometimes being with someone else seems safer. I often say to clients that when you're in a bog, you look for someone on dry land to guide you out. If you get into the bog with the client, you're no help to them. I find it important to treat whatever the client tells me matter of factly. It gives them permission to do and say what they need to, without worrying about my reaction.
A big issue is often the fear of being judged. Staying calm as you would with any other issue allows them to see it as just that, another issue, no better or worse than other issues they have.
There are different levels of abuse, but they will all have a profound effect on the client.
One client came to me because she shook uncontrollably at certain times, for no reason that she could see.
We looked at the events in her life and they were traumatic. She'd had a very difficult marriage with a husband that was a drinker and gambler and who hit the kids so much that social services were brought in. There were many traumas involving her husband and children and also accidents.
Nowhere in any of this was her own incidents of abuse mentioned, but there was plenty to work on. We cleared great chunks of her life, including her 1st marriage and she was noticing a change in her level of confidence, though she was still shaking.
She'd married again a year before, to someone she described as a lovely bloke, her soul mate. However there were problems and she shook.
Eventually she mentioned a time when she was young and living on a camp site, because her family were travellers, when the Ice cream man asked her to help him on his round. When they left, he parked, removed her clothes, stood behind her and ‘‘just looked’’. We cleared the whole incident but some of the shaking was still there at certain times. We worked out it was when she was typing and her husband was in the van, when she was washing up and when she got out of bed. I asked how she got out of bed and as she was in a van, she had to wriggle down the bed to get out, with her husband behind, just looking! It meant that we hadn't completely cleared the incident of abuse. Another few rounds and it was sorted. She no longer shook even if he was behind her and her whole level of confidence in who she was and her capabilities had changed.
Sexual abuse can be the most important event in a life or it can be just one event of many, but it will always have an effect. There can be many emotions linked to it,
One of the big emotions that is often common is guilt. If I'd done things differently, if I'd told, if I'd been braver, what did they see in me that made them think it was OK? Depending on the abuser and how he worked, they may have enjoyed it, it may have wrecked family life. There are many reasons to feel guilty.
There can be fear, of it happening again, of people finding out, of being judged. Sad for the little child that they were. There's also anger at the abuser, at themselves for not being able to say no, at their parents for not protecting them.
Sometimes working on how they feel about it having happened, is a good starting place.
They often no longer trust themselves to make good decisions. There can be a real sense of fear in new situations and a distrust of other people. Often they find themselves saying yes to things they don't want to do, in other areas of their lives. It seems like they don't believe that they can say no.
There can be problems with relationships. Often they love their partner, but are still not comfortable having sex with them and of course sometimes they pick partners who treat them in a similar way to their abuser and they feel equally powerless to change things. When something happens, or they experience an emotion that links in any way to the feelings of the situation they had as a child, they go back to that time emotionally. This means that they only have access to the resources they had as that child. When people say why don't you just leave? They don't because they have no more ability to do that than the abused child had.
You may be able to clear the whole event or series of events in one go, or you may have to deal with layers of emotion. Often when you start the healing process, other images, incidents, thoughts come up. You can work on them, but it's good to make sure that you clear the original thing you were working on, so you know that you're not being diverted!
Some clients are very happy to discuss what happened to them and others don't want to. It's important to respect their needs, go with what's right for them. One of the reasons I love these Techniques is they can be used really effectively without you ever knowing details.
Healing a relationship. Sometimes, especially if a relative is involved in the abuse there's a conflict of emotion. A mix of love and hate. A feeling of not being heard, not being accepted for who they are. Whether the abuser is alive or dead, healing can take place and after healing the events, it's possible to have a conversation with the abuser, in the mind, saying the things that still need to be said, to complete the situation and maybe listening to what they have to say in return. It may be possible to offer and receive forgiveness, though if the client isn't in that space, opening to the possibility that at some time in the future, they may be able to consider forgiveness, is a good first step. This is not about saying what happened was justified, it's about saying that the client is not going to allow that person have that amount of importance in their life. It's about freeing the energy that's been tied up in the situation, to use for better things.
We talked about guilt at the beginning of this article and one of the reasons it may be there, is because the child enjoyed what was happening. They may be carrying guilt about that. When you start working on these issues that have been locked away for so long, they can be painful and as you are unlikely to clear all of the issues in one session, you need to make very sure that what hasn't been cleared is put away safely till the next time. For the first time, it's now very possible to clear damage that's been done by abuse, in a pain free way, that leaves the client feeling free to be who she or he, really is and to allow them to create the life that they want. A very satisfying result for the client and the therapist.
