When I first started working formyself, I worked all day, every day, first thing in the morning, till last thing at night! I felt guilty if I didn’t! My mum’s favourite phrase if I spoke to her on the phone was, “shouldn’t you be working?” and I said it to myself multiple times a a day.
I forgot that I wanted to work for myself, so I could manifest my dream life, so I could be in charge of how I created each day, so I wasn’t timetabled. It’s true I was no longer timetabled because I didn’t put in time out, lunch, dinner, walks, or anything else much. I just worked in a sort of panic stricken haze.
And some of what I did I loved, in fact a lot of what I did I loved, I just had no discrimination. Everything seemed as important as everything else and I ended up overwhelmed and confused and wondering why I was doing this.
14 years later, I’m much better at managing my time, at creating space for me and I notice that when I have a free day, part of me rejoices and part of me goes into headless chicken, wondering which of the many things to do. I’ve found myself in the past, frozen by indecision and actually doing nothing during the day but beat myself up for doing nothing but beat myself up!!
I’d love to say I’m completely over it and what I can say, is that I’m better at it now. I ran a 3 day workshop over the weekend and I have a glorious free day today,(one day it might be a glorious free 3 days:) ) so I’m sitting here wondering what to do with it. I have plants to put in the garden and I’m fancying a walk I think I may go to a nearby town for coffee and then walk round a nearby lake and then come home and sit on the swing in my garden and look at the beauty around me. there have been so many beautiful butterflies over the last few days and I’d like time just to watch and appreciate them. what I won’t be doing is emails! I have learnt that the world doesn’t stop if I don’t reply to an email instantly. And I’ve learnt just how much time I can lose in doing emails. I often leave looking at them till the end of the day now, so I can get other things done first and I’m much more productive.
How does your day go? Do you put in time for yourself? How does it feel if you do? And if it feels uncomfortable, here’s a tapalong for you.
Even though I can never get everything done, I’m ok, (even if I don’t feel it)
Even though there’s too much to do to have time for me, I’m OK
Even though I’ll never be able to have time for me, I deeply and completely accept myself
I’ve got too much to do
I can’t do it all
I’m over whelmed
I don’t know how to stop…..yet
It’s what I do
I don’t know how to do it differently…..yet
And I’m open to the possibility that there might be a way
And that I might even be able to allow myself to enjoy it!
Even though, that’s what I do, that’s what I was taught, I deeply and completely accept myself
Even though it’s what I’ve always done, I’m open to the possibility that it might be possible to do it differently
Even though I didn’t think I was allowed, or it would be safe, or even possible, I’m open to the possibility that it might be safe for for me to take time for me, and it might be what I both need and deserve.
Maybe it IS safe
Maybe I could give myself some time
And some space
And even allow myself to enjoy it!
Maybe it will allow me to see the bigger picture
Maybe it will even make me more effective
And maybe it will allow me to support and nurture myself in new and interesting ways
And maybe that’s the best thing for me and the rest of the universe and I could really ENJOY it!!
Happy Monday, whatever you get up to. the garden’s calling, so I’m going to start there:)